Happy Birthday Dad and rest in peace. ( Memorial)

Yesterday the 7th was my Dad's birthday he would have been 76 if he had lived.  I miss that man and his nick name was "Old man" even though we  joked about it ( Co workers at Intermet and me).  He was a hard worker who devoted four years at Internation Harvester in Canton from 1964-1968. In 1968 he was hired by Midland Coal Company near Trivoli and was a mechanic for machinery/ equipment at some point. He worked there until the mine closed in 1984 where everyone was laid off and the mine shut down. In 1993 he worked at Laroma's pizza then in 1994 he took a physical at Wagner's Casting in Decatur and was hired by the Havana plant.  The name Wagner's only lasted a few years before becoming Intermet Havana Foundy and worked there for ten years where he and everyone at the plant was laid off and the plant shut down. He was one of the last people there since he was in the maintnance department and was a sand hog where he dig out conveyor belts, sand tower and drove a fork lift. We all called him the Old man even he referred himself as that.  He got me hired in 2000. Our relationship improved because of us working there and sometimes together.  I remember one day I had to stay over for another twelve hour shift after two days straight of them and he came up to the core line and told me to go home and get some sleep taking my place feeding the core machine. He took my place in the twelve hour shift so i can get some rest. I guess he got it approved by a supervisor who took sympathy. I think the boss for the shift was PJ Daniels who was one of the more awesome bosses who was funny and nice. That sacrifice touched me and knew Dad loved me. He worked on the core line a few times with me. He delivered the cores on pallets to the line with a fork lift too.  I helped Dad dig out the basement one time.  One time my friend and Marcia had to go down to sweep the floor and we were writing on the wall with our fingers with a wall covered in dust drawing  penises and curse words. Dad busted us and made me clean the walls. Haha.  I also went deep down the conveyor belts in the basement where it was dark and went deep down. It felt like being a coal miner. We dug out te sand and dirt that built up.  It was so confined and you had to squeeze between the wall and conveyor belt in a small space then dig out in a small space.  I hated when dad took me up in the Sand tower the ladder was so narrow sort of like how the engineer climbs up and down the F units on KJRY.  That kind of ladder. I stupidly looked down and developed a dislike for heights as it went floors up.  Climbing down was the worse.  The same with  the basement in this one part of the plant. I hated those ladders. How Dad did that everyday then breathed in the dirt and sand everyday i'll never know. We all breathed in that crap and developed breathing issues afterward. I started getting bouts of Bronchitis which never had before ultimatley ending up with a trach I think was caused by Intermet as well as years of smoking as well as working in another place that you breathed in stuff. Dad developed Lung Cancer but didnt bother to get it treated until it was too late. He was stubborn as a mule a May quality as well as a temper.  He had alot of breathing problems and getting sick from that place. A friend of ours Buckley passed away years after it shut down too and another co worker got  sick and maybe others. In 2009 EPA fined who ever owned it for water contaminated so not shocked. Dad's sixteen years at the coal mine probably didn't help and he was a smoker for about fifty years.

He had a temper which is a well known May personality trait but later on was a nice man. I'm not going to focus on the negative and forgive him. He had his issues. He and his brother found their sister Janice's  dying body after she was raped and beaten in the head with a cement block. She was found under a CB&Q rail car off 4th avenue. That probably messed him up and he said his parents were never the same afterwards. Dad used to take us on trips in the 1990's when I was a teenager. He took us to historical places like New Salem Park, Lincoln's tomb and Hannibal Mark Twain's cave, lover's leap and the Mark Twain home and other attractions.  After the Titanic  fever in the late 1990's (1997 & 1998) he took me to Molly Brown's home in Hannibal. I was so obsessed with the movie he got tired of it. Haha.  All the girls had a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio but not me. My crush was Billy Zane ..."Cal Hockley".  One of the few movies to make me cry not because Jack died but all the people freezing in the water and the scene where someone dead in the water was holding a dead infant. Dad got so tired of that movie.  Ha. I was a teenager so yeah.

Armegeddon was another one I watched alot and so did he. In 1993 he took us to Jurassic Park at the theater, in 1998 Armegeddon, and 1999 Star Wars the Phantom Menace. IN 1995 he took me just us alone to see Casper.  I was a teenager and mocked the idea of ghost, the after life.  He said I have a guardian angel and i kind of scoffed at it.  Now I have to wonder if he wasn't with me when I almost died in 2011 and I survived.  I don't know. I'd like to think and believe that.  In the coma dreamed he was alive and i wondered why he wasn't here to visit me. It later dawned on me he's dead and i seen his body.  The memories came back after a while after i woke up and the morphine trips wore off. Yeah they had me on that for a while after the trach surgery.  Dad and I used to sick on the porch at night smoke and talk for hours looking at the stars.  He took us out to the country for meteor showers or to see planets and we seen a moon eclipse. One time the space station passed over and you could see it so we watched that.  He even had a telescope to look up at space.

He was fascinated by space.

He took us to Six Flags in ST Louis a few times and in 1995 dared him to go in this spinning barrel ride. Haha.  He did it.  He also went on the ater rides and  the Screaming Eagle roller coaster. This was before my ffear of heights although wasn't too fond of when he took us and rode the huge Ferris Wheel. I hate Ferris Wheels they rock but that one was so big you could see miles and miles of Missouri.  He also took us to Wisconsin and got cheese and Madison once where we showed him where Chris Farley was buried. I sort of had a crush on Farley and loved his movies so we went to Madison a few times.  I was so sad when Farley died when i was sixteen.  Dad also took us to Mount Vernon and Salem to visit my mom's relatives graves.  My great great and great grandparents Liebengood's and Weingartner's (came from Germany).  I'm part Dutch ( Suydam's), German ( Weingartner, Liebengood) and May's were England and Germany or so I was told. I was into Genealogy and Dad took us down there. I applied for Union Pacific down there one time. I passed the written test they gave but couldn't pass the grip test. Oh well no regrets and glad I didnt get it after learning how many hours you had to work. You would be on call 24 hours a day and work 16 hours a day which was worse than Intermet. I couldn't handle that especially since Depression and unstable mind set was kicking in over drive at the time so oh well.  Hats off to train crews how they deal with all that. Intermet kind of messed up my hands and had carpal tunnel. I had to wear  these brace glove things on my hands and wrist for a while.  I quit Intermet because of that and tired of all the twelve hour shifts. I had no time to date and tried but broke up. I was too tired to devote to it and down time was spent sleeping alot. I was also hungover as well since i drank southern comfort for my birthday and had to go in the next day. My boyfriend had  gotten the booze somehow and we were both underage by a few years.  Dad didn't blame me for quitting as it was a harsh enviroment. He stated several times how he missed the mines and it was no where as bad as Intermet. He enjoyed working for the mine.  I want to think of all the positive and good memories instead of the bad ones. He made it up after 1993 trying to be a father even though he was gone alot with overtime at Wagner's then Intermet.  In 2004 Dad took us to Rokholme Garden's and had a blast after that went to Terra Haute, Indiana where I seen Train tracks ( Street Runner) for the first time ever.  I wondered what the hell.  I didnt see no train and it was CSX.

I was a difficult teenager that was rough for Dad to handle and was always in trouble at school for mouthing off or beating up people that called me names. Dad was proud of some of the fights for sticking up for myself and one time beating up a kid for picking on someone else.  He rewarded me one time for returning money to the police station from bloody pants found by the railroad tracks. It turns out some drunk got hit by a train ( 1994 i think).  It was TP&W at the time. Yeah the bloody soaked pants is something you never forget. The cash had blood on some bills and instead of keeping it  a friend and i took it to the cops.  My friend got the credit for it but i was the one that suggested to return it. Oh well. Dad was proud and rewarded me with extra allowence and we got a cake. In school he attended some of my Volleyball games and when i was in chorus in 9th grade came to one concert we held at the high school.  He got a cake to celebrate.  In 1995 mom and i went to stay with Grandma ( mom's mom) because she fell. Grandma was kind of mean at times and  mocked my weight i cursed her out ( not proud of it and i didnt care for her at times, our relationship improved before she died).  Anyways I called Dad at work to pick me up and told him the situation. He took a weeks vacation and picked me up from Peoria.  He sacrificed vacation days to watch me.  This was fun.  We had pizza's alot and we went to the video store and rented movies and watched them. That was fun.  One of the movies was Babe about a piglet and a border collie. I think Forest Gump was another.  Dad let me rent some too but I was into Horror movies at the time like Jason, Michael Myers and Freddy Kruger.  He didn't watch those.  Haha.

Another memory was in 1990 I had croup really bad at age nine. I told my parents i needed to go to the hospital and passed out on the kitchen floor.  Dad gave me CPR and revived me and called the ambulence. He saved my life.  He said i turned blue and stopped breathing.  I know i felt dizzy before passing out and really sick. I was in the hospital a while and Dad didnt leave my side for a while spending the nights there sleeping in a chair. Mom went home  but came back after a nights rest. I was in an oxygen tent for a while and have memories of him not leaving to go home until i was well enough. Grandma May visted too and some relatives. Dad always said Santa Clause saved my life. I didn't know Dad played Santa at the time and thought Santa was real.  My Dad played Santa on WBYS radio for years. I called in to thank him for saving my life. I bet that surprised him. lol.  There was good times and bad.  Dad always made sure i had presents as a kid. One Christmas I got a train set and a bike. I also didn't get many spankings when I was little. I did get one for knocking over the tv after climbing a shelf to get candy. I could have asked for some but i was like 4 or 5 so the thought process wasn't fully there to just ask. He didn't want to be like his Dad who spanked him with a belt as a kid.  Dad after he got sober tried hard to make it up. I was a difficult teenager and i regret it and have gult about it to this day even though i had mental problems as a child. I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2006. He supported me for seeking treatment.

I miss that man and had a lot of mental breakdowns for years after his death. I still feel bad and sad.

Dad was diagnosed in 2007 with stage 4 lung cancer and wasn't expected to live. The cancer spread to  other parts as well as the lungs. He refused a cat scan and it probably went to the brain. He had massive breathing issues and lost alot of weight. I can barely write this because I want to cry so much because of how he went and there was nothing i could do. If i could have i'd switch places with him. It seems I have  health problems of my own and probably screwed and history will repeat itself.  I am crying  because of the things I seen in the hospital. He was hospitalized a few times. I held his hand when he went to the Er and was really out of it. He went home briefly after a while and was on an oxygen tank as well as a walker. He had a nurse come see him.  He went back to the hospital and admitted to hospice. He wasted awy to bones.  There was nothing i could do. The last thanksgiving they had him a thanksgiving dinner and he couldn't eat. I felt so terrible for him. He was in and out of it.  Shaun and I did get his permission to marry and showed him the rings before he died. We'd marry the next year on my birthday. We call it the birthiversery ( stupid I know haha). Anyways he last days he called help me help me alot and was out of his mind and called for my mom. He couldn't remember who he was or remember me. I was so sad.  The day he died we were on our way from Shaun's parents near Cuba and arrived fifteen minutes after he died. He was still warm. I held his hand and spent time with him and so did mom. This was the last time i prayed and prayed he find peace and i love him.  When I arrived and found out I was so shocked I just stood there Shaun hugged me and a few relatives did.  I couldn't cry until the next week or so. I was so in a state of shock and denial also angry at why.  Why him why not me? I sort of want to go young so I can talk to him again and ask for advice. I really hope there is an after life and a heaven. I'll probably go to hell so i'm not sure i'd see him.  I'm trying to be funny there but i have tears and feel so bad. I withdrew from family.  I just withdrew again cause last year  and this year was having a rough time with everything in the past. I feel like there's no redemption for me. I know i'll die young and not afraid of it. I  want to go the way he did because i deserve it. He didn't. I was a terrible kid I deserve it. That's messed up I know.  I can barely speak about it verbally because i get upset. I'm upset now. I miss him and it's been almost ten year.  It will be Ten years since he died in November. He died after Thanksgiving so Thanksgiving and Christmas is really bad times for me because i get sad and depressed even to this day. It caused alot of  Dad cancer nightmares for a year after it and mentally messed me up for years. I need to get this all out.  I need to tell his story. He deserves to be remembered.

He played Santa for local children and children else where for many years ( fifty to be exact).  He even  made and donated toys to kids and at one tme raised food for local poor families. My cousin Joe and him used to play Santa for kids.  Joe was the driver and drove him to each location. I started going with them for the ride when i was a teenager. Joe and I would joke around and talk. Joe developed health problems and I ended up taking over driving even in bad weather it taught me how to handle snow and ice on the roads. Those were fun times and that is why Christmas is a very hard time because i remember that and his death. He last played in 2005. In 2006 his breathing got so bad he had to retire from playing Santa.  He  refused to go to the doctor. Maybe he was afraid of what they would find  or just stubborn.  We May's are known for being stubborn as a mule. I've even refused treatment in 2010 for pneumonia for a while. It started off as bronchitis which i eventually tried to treat with cold syrup then developed into pneumonia. After a blizzard in Febuary 2011 I shoveled the drive way ( big mistake).  I got sick and had to go to the hospital by Ambulence. I had a fever of 104. I passed out in the ambulence. They sent me to a Peoria hospital where i almost died twice and bordered death for a while. I have to wonder if i survived for a reason and why I came back from the brink of death.  Was Dad there? I wish but i don't know.  I couldn't breath on my own and ended up with a tracheostomey which i still have. I was on a ventilator for a while and in the hospital for 5 months in 2011.  The point is I was stubborn. I was also warned not to shovel the drive due to being sick but stubborn me wanted to go somewhere and got impatient.  That's another bad trait of some May's. 

My Dad also taught me how to drive then i went to the driver's facility and took the test and got my license.  Dad took me on back roads to teach me. He started me out on gravel roads on back roads by Breeds and Banner which I was intimidated at first by gravel and hills plus curves. I got over it.  Then he took me out on highways to practice.  I miss him so much and it's hard to think about how he died. He didn't deserve that kind of fate. This is a memorial and his story I must tell and memories. The good and the bad. He was born July 7, 1941 in Canton to Dean and Jeanne (Suydam) May.  He passed away in hospice in Graham Hospital on November 27th, 2007.  On top of telling his story I also want to wish him a Happy Birthday and that I love and miss him very much. I will die someday and  hope to see him again. I hope where ever he's at he is at peace now and not suffering.  I love you dad and we miss you. I will upload pictures in memory.