A death in the family and in shock...

January 28, 2018

I am in a state of different emotions and also a sense of I can't do
anything which I hate. It takes me back to how I felt when dad died
in a way. My cousin Shawn informs me that my Uncle Jim had just
passed away. He had been in rough health for years and wasn't doing
that good when I talked to Aunt Gladys back in either November or
December 2017. It's been a while I know. I suck at keeping in touch
with people due to anxiety problems and my mental bullshit. I'll avoid
phone calls if I can. I had planned on going to see them but the past few
month marital problems and divorce talks and fights was a disasterous
distraction. We decided to try to work it out but man now I'm kicking
myself in the ass for letting my anxiety and personal problems get in
the way. So I feel some guilt. I'll deal with it this shit isn't even important
now.

The fact he died and I can't get a hold of my aunt due to not having minutes
on my phone and my gas tank is a big goose egg kind of frustrates me. I can't
even call my mom and tell her at the moment which kills me. My first instinct is
wanting to call or go down and talk to Aunt Gladys and offer my sympathies.
I will go to the services if I have transportation and try to come up with something.
He was a good man and had a good sense of humor. He used to be a postal worker
at the Dunfermline Post Office for many years and served in the army. I have lots
of memories of Dad and us going down to visit them at their home in Dunfermline.
They would sit at the Kitchen table and talk for hours. We'd also talk to them at
family reunions and we'd all hang out at Grandma May's house when she was still
living. Uncle Jim and Aunt Gladys took me to Wildlife Prarie Park once and over
to Indiana to see my half sisters several times. One time the car broke down over
by Indianapolis and Dad drove all the way over and chained the car back from his
truck. I also went to Church with them a few times but I withdrew from that due
to working long hours at Intermet and just wanting to sleep on days off. Plus I was
a skeptic to the whole god thing. I'm open minded to it but still have my doubts.

What I regret is after Dad died I became so messed up I was angry at everyone, and
I withdrew from family not talking to family for many years because I was messed up.
I hated myself and hated the world for his passing and was beyond a train wreck. I
regret that. I also regret being so wrapped up in my personal home life I didn't get to
go down and see him before he died. I did see him at a family reunion a few years back
so did get to talk to him again. I miss the days everyone was alive and we'd have family
gatherings and everything wasn't so messed up. Life is life though but you would think
I would learn from it and mistakes. Nope. I'm an idiot. Okay now is not the time to try
to be humorous I suppose but I do wish my Aunt Gladys the best and my sympathies.

RIP Jim May (1943-2018) I will always remember you and the memories. <3

Uncle Jim on the left, Phil Beloit in the middle and great uncle Jim on the right: